Family Longing
by elizainlove
Summary: Thomas is watching Daisy and Alfred get married, and he's happy for them, truly he is. But their union only serves as yet another strong reminder of something he will never be able to have, yet will always long for. Don't worry, happy ending as always.


Thomas watched as Daisy and Alfred kissed happily. He stood and clapped and cheered, trying to ignore the fact that Jimmy seemed as happy as everyone else around them. Even if it were a little more grudgingly.

But Thomas couldn't get his smile to reach his eyes. He loved Daisy and longed to be happy for the sweet girl, but his heart felt as though it were sinking lower in his chest with every passing cheer.

He watched, still clapping and grinning at the happy couple as they passed him and Jimmy put his hand on the small of his back to push him out of their row so they could follow the two with the rest of the crowd.

Of course Jimmy and he were best friends now, but he still couldn't help himself pushing that slightest bit back into is touch before walking forwards.

God, this hurt.

He had never admitted this to anyone but his mother- and even then he had just been a lad- but marriage and above all, a family were things he had always wanted. So, so badly. The support of a family, and the wide eyed, unjudging love of children had always had a strong pull at him.

Jimmy laughed and clapped Thomas on the back as Alfred, dizzy with happiness, tripped on his way into the car.

Thomas smiled as best he could and took a half step away from Jimmy. He couldn't be how they normally were today, not when all he wanted to do was couple up, all linking arms and smiles and just walk. Like the rest of the Downton lot were now doing. Hall boys were grabbing kitchen maids, a village boy linked his arm with Ivy's, Mr and Mrs Bates were of course hand in hand and even Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes and threaded their fingers together and started to walk back.

Thomas put his hands in his pockets and started to walk, not hearing what Jimmy was saying.

"Hey" Came Jimmy's voice, louder this time as he lunged forwards and grabbed Thomas by his upper arm "Hey, look at me. What's wrong?"

He spun Thomas round to face him and Thomas put on as best a guard he could and looked back into the shorter man's eyes.

"Nothing. Come on, we have to get back" he shrugged one shoulder and let his face drop as he turned away.

"Oh, no. Do you think I don't know you at all? You've been my best mate for years, now" Jimmy side stepped in from of Thomas, holding up a hand against his chest to stop him "I know that face. You use it when you're hiding something"

"Jimmy, please. Not now, not today" He backed away from Jimmy's hand and strode away.

Please fucking understand. Just this once, please.

Jimmy, apparently did. He just stood there, where Thomas had left him, staring after his best friend as he walked away faster than Jimmy ever could.

XXX

"Jimmy?" Asked Mrs Hughes Thomas as he entered through the kitchen door

"No. Mr Barrow" He smiled tightly.

"I know that, Mr Barrow, I meant, where is he? I assumed he would be with you?"

"He's just behind me I think" and he made as if to pass by but she put her hand gently on his arm and said quietly "Have you two had a falling out?"

Thomas was about to answer scathingly when she put her hand to his forehead "You look awfully pale, are you sure you're okay, Thomas? You didn't look quite right throughout the ceremony" She looked into his face as if she knew exactly what he was feeling "I can guess times like these must be hard for-"

"This looked cosy" Came Mr Bates' drawl from the corner "Aren't you feeling well Thomas? A surplus amount of Joy, perhaps?"

Thomas pulled away from Mr Hughes and pushed past Mr bates with the intent of getting a drink, right as Jimmy came through the door.

"Ahh there you are James. I wonder if I might have a word?"

"Well…I uh…I was actually going to talk to Thoma-"

"Good. Into my office in you please"

Jimmy tried to catch Thomas' eye as he passed but he kept his back to him, pretending to be solely interested in his beer.

"The love birds have an argument did we?" Mr Bates smirked as he glided wonkily past Thomas.

He ignored this and instead went to go congratulate Daisy and ask loudly if she was sure she couldn't find anyone better.

XXX

Quite a few beers later and Thomas was feeling awful. True, he hadn't seen Jimmy since he was whisked away to Mrs Hughes' office, but he couldn't decide whether this was a good thing or not.

Thomas somewhat stumbled out into the small yard and round the corner before leaning heavily back against the wall and flattening all his pocket in the hope to find his cigarettes and lighter.

"You left them with me earlier" Came Jimmy's voice and he stepped around the corner, holding out a cigarette to Thomas, who took it with slow movements.

He only grunted his understanding before putting it in his mouth, tilting his head back against the wall to look at the stars briefly before letting his eyes droop shut.

"You need a light, ya' know" Jimmy said with an attempt at airy

"I don't have one" Thomas replied flatly.

Go away Jimmy, please.

Thomas' body was heavy and he was so very tired, he could dimly register Jimmy moving closer and putting a hand on his arm, smoothly rubbing his thumb up and down his lax bicep. He only half-noticed Jimmy moving himself so he was pressed up against Thomas' front snaking one arm around his waist as he did so.

"I've got it, you drunk idiot" Thomas let a small smile seep over his lips and put his own hands loosely on Jimmy's hips. Jimmy hummed lowly and pushed ever so slightly into Thomas, so their chests were flushed. Thomas saw a glimmer of silver as he eased his eyes open just a fraction.

"Can you light it for me?" He grinned and Jimmy's hand stroked from his neck, to shoulder, to chest.

"I'm not sure I should when you're in this state" Thomas could hear the smile. He opened his eyes fully and brought his head forwards to look at Jimmy's.

"I'm not that drunk. Just bloody tired"

"If you say so" And he flicked the lighter and moved it to the end of the cigarette until it flared and smoke drifted lazily out of Thomas' mouth.

"Mmmmm" Thomas could feel the smoke burning his lungs as he inhaled. It began to wake him up almost at once.

Jimmy let out a low chuckle and took the cigarette from Thomas' mouth "You know your not meant to keep it in full time, right?" Thomas grinned and squeezed Jimmy's hips slightly "Naughty" Jimmy mumbled, and he used the hand holding the cigarette to comb through the side of Thomas' hair "Feel better?"

"A bit, yeah. More awake anyhow" His smile faltered a bit and he dropped his hands from Jimmy's hips. What was he doing? "Eh, sorry. I didn't- I wasn't paying attention"

Jimmy took a drag from the cigarette unconcernedly "It doesn't matter" he placed the cigarette back between Thomas lips and leaned his head onto Thomas shoulder "Mrs Hughes says you get like this whenever there's a wedding"

Thomas stood there, feeling every inch of Jimmy's body pressed up against his and sighed, dropping the half-finished cigarette to the floor. The pain in his chest doubled as he let himself bring his arms back up around the other man's back and waist- holding him close "I guess I just don't like weddings"

"I don't think that's it" Jimmy spoke into his neck so Thomas could feel his own skin tingle with Jimmy's breath.

"Don't you?" This conversation was going where he didn't want it too and he tried to push Jimmy off him. But Jimmy only tightened his hold and pushed Thomas back into the wall. He pulled his head back and looked at Thomas.

"No. Come on Thomas, let me in. Just tell me…just this once"

And Thomas did. He'd never opened up to anyone in his life, but Jimmy? Jimmy seemed to have every power over him.

"I've always wanted to get married. I've always wanted a family. I love children and growing up my family were such a huge part of my life, they were the main reason I didn't end up doing manual labour on a farm or something. They supported me. My sister had a family, so I'm an uncle but they moved away to Germany before the war" He stopped for breath but Jimmy didn't stop him, he just looked at him, eyes big and shining "When I first began to realise I am how I am….I fought it so much. Being how I am means no family. I even had girlfriends and was engaged for a year before I broke it off. My Mother just came up to me one day and said that she and my Father knew what I was, that they didn't care and I shouldn't put myself through all the pain of a fake marriage" Thomas let his head drop onto Jimmy's shoulder and nestled his face into his neck, breathing in the sent that had made his heart pound faster for the last four years "That was when I knew I had to give up, to give in. I'm happy that in some ways I'm freer than I would have been, but god it's still so fucking painful to see others getting married, to get the thing I've always wanted but can never have" Thomas was shaking now, with both anger and unbelievable sadness and he felt Jimmy tighten his arms around him "Fuck this society. Fuck its laws. I want a family. I want support. I want to be able to support my children as they grow up. I want to be able to hold hands with the person I love and not live in constant fear. I don't want to be bloody alone anymore"

Jimmy's nails were digging into Thomas' clothes as he clutched at him. His own face buried into Thomas's hair. How was this fair? How could society be so cruel? How could they not see what they did to thousands of people?

Jimmy took a deep breath and pulled his face back, ignoring his own tear tracks "Thomas?" His voice came out as a whisper even though he had never intended it too "Thomas, look at me" Jimmy used his two fore fingers to lift up Thomas's chin until their face's were level.

Thomas still looked down, his hair falling over his forehead and into his eyes. He shook his head "No, I can't Jimmy. Because then I will want to kiss you and I can't do that, can I?"

The blonde smiled gently and slid his fingers round the top of Thomas' neck, into his hair, allowing his thumb to stoke over the bottom of his ear and jaw line "Thomas. Look at me"

Thomas lifted his head, leaning it back against the wall and into Jimmy's touch.

"I'm giving up, giving in" Jimmy sank his lips onto Thomas's, kissing him like he had always wanted to. Thomas pulled Jimmy in even closer against him and kissed back deeply.

When they pulled back Jimmy lent his forehead against Thomas' and let out a breath "I can never give you what you want. But my love and support? I think I can manage that"

Mrs Hughes smiled to herself and crossed back over the softly lit courtyard and towards the ongoing party. Jimmy had only needed a little bit of encouragement.


End file.
